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Thursday, August 07, 2008

Time Travel Is Possible!!!

It’s a question that has fascinated physicists for centuries and captured human imagination since the beginning of time. Is time travel possible? Hollywood has given us a few theories, including a string of lights arranged in a Y formation that Doc Brown and Marty McFly call the flux capacitor, powered by the latest Mr. Fusion. When I was a kid, I bought it. Soup up a DeLorean with some plutonium and unimaginable things are bound to happen, right? But, there’s been little real world evidence to support time travel, until one of the most bizarre 911 calls hit the newswires this week. A man in Jacksonville, FL thought it was a good idea to call 911 after the Subway sandwich maker left off his spicy sauce after he ordered the Italian sub. The second call was to complain that the cops were taking too long to get to his location. My first thought was, “what planet is this guy from? Doesn’t he know that 911 is only for married women to call after their husbands come home from the bar and issue a couple back hands for no apparent reason?” The news anchor reporting this story was Nancy Grace, better known as the winner of “The Most Annoying Television Personality in History.” Nancy played the call and then gave the man’s name as Reginald Peterson with the below photo. I immediately dropped my coffee mug, not even paying attention to the Kobayashi stamp on the bottom, and thought of another man named Peterson… that blew up the Huskers in ’05 for 155 yards and 2 TDs.

Un-fu*king-canny, right? I mean, it’s obvious a 50-year old Adrian Peterson has traveled back in time. But why now, and why Jacksonville (note: the Vikings are at the Jags in week 13 this year), and why the name Reginald? I have several theories. One is that sometime in the next decade, AP blows his NFL earnings and ends up on the streets. He could be back from the future to deliver a sports almanac to present AP, with the hopes of turning him into a degenerate, yet rich, gambler.

Great plan, but currently all a gambler has to do is order Phil Steele’s newsletter and bet the opposite of what Phil advises to ensure winning bets. But it sure would be nice to find out which horse is the next Da'Tara at the Belmont winning with 66-1 odds. Or how many years it takes Bo Pelini to get NU back to a BCS game. Does Adrian Peterson have a career ending injury during that Jags game in November? Back from the future AP could be back to make sure he never takes the field. The questions are endless, but we can assume a few things about the future. It must be a much safer world, considering the role of 911 dispatchers has been greatly expanded. Currently used for police/medical emergencies, the future must be so safe that 911 will be used for almost any situation, including getting the cops involved when those bastards at Subway forget the sauce on an Italian. Why else would back from the future AP make this 911 call? I have a lot of questions for future AP. He owes the world some answers. I think the least he can do is let us know if the Cubs win the World Series before 2030. As for the name Reginald, the actor Reginald VelJohnson played Carl Winslow in the sitcom Family Matters. The same show that starred Jaleel White as Steve Urkel as well as his alter-ego Stefan Urquelle, who were in fact, the same person. It's creepy, isn't it?